Once of the most egregious things I have seen in this ever dawning, never dwindling age of victimhood are attempts to profit off other victims' pain, ie pain that is not your own.
Many years ago an officer under my command was diagnosed with a brain tumor at age 32 and after several surgeries, died two years later at 34. During this difficult time his wife divorced him and I grew close to his family. He left two children under five and his parents asked me to deliver the eulogy at his funeral. I'd never delivered a eulogy and was stuck, didn't know what to say. It seemed a compliment and burden at the same time. My wife, a convert Judaism, had an uncle with whom I became close. He was a Presbyterian minister and I called him, knowing he was compassionate and had spoken at many funerals. His advice was simple and profound. He reminded me the eulogy was not about me at all, but about the deceased and his family. I needn't worry about impressing anybody, or failing, as it wasn't about me in the least. Let the deceased speak through you, he said, and deliver his own eulogy. With this wise advice I was no longer stuck, and the words for the eulogy flowed easily on paper as if the deceased young officer had been waiting to allow me to speak to his family and the gathering on his and their behalf.
It's really brutal, isn't it? Walking that thin line between being an empath and making the story about your being an empath? You have managed brilliantly, soaking the pain like a sponge and disappearing into the background in the stories you tell about others. But you do have your own pain and your own story and we are trying best to let you know you are appreciated and not alone.
It is gut wrenching enough for the victims/survivors to share their stories. It is our job to sit there, listen and support them in the way they choose. There is absolutely nothing in the story that allows for anyone else to gain anything but a bit of understanding of what their experience entailed. If the victim/survivor wants us to take any action to pass on their story, then so be it. Otherwise, it is their story to tell, their pain to reveal and to process.
Thank you for this article and all that you are doing. I really appreciate and look forward to hearing from you.
As children we are supposed to experience ourselves as the center of our universe and hopefully grow out of that and into a less ego based adulthood.
People seek affirmation and appreciation but to do it at the expense of another’s pain is really horrible. I have experienced this firsthand and the pain and betrayal was intense.
I also think that this has become pervasive in many fields other than writing. I guess Andy Warhol was right about people wanting their 15 minutes of fame but wouldn’t it be nice if it wasn’t at the expense of somebody else who needs to heal.
Your comments about being Jewish and putting stones on graves and donating anonymously are so insightful and really gave me pause to understand this.
Thank you for another amazing, perfectly on point piece Eve. Since October 7 I have seen so many so call influencers struggle to retain followers by making it about them and their response and feelings. It has made unfollowing them an easy decision. I was actually in Kfar Aza in January and a so called influencer was in our group. She was carefully checking all her angles and lighting and re-recording herself as she described what she was seeing. Quite frankly I was disgusted. So many people have lost their humanity- you are a shining example of what it means to retain your humanity and rise above the noise. Your respect for those you speak to shines through in your work. Thank you.
There are a lot of stories about Stolen Valor due to the nomination of Tim Walz. Reading this story I think there is something similar; stolen victimhood. Those who make others’ pain a stepping stone to fame and fortune. Those who almost seem in competition with real victims to one up them. It is truly disgusting.
Thank you Eve for this wonderful, on-point article. Once again, you’ve managed to reveal points in a sensitive, articulate & respectful manner. Thank you for everything you do.
Ego can take strange forms. As a writer I want to be the vessel by which other people’s stories are told. I also want to be known as the person who allowed the story to be told, and get anxious when I feel like my reach isn’t what I want it to be. It’s a strange combination of impulses.
Many years ago an officer under my command was diagnosed with a brain tumor at age 32 and after several surgeries, died two years later at 34. During this difficult time his wife divorced him and I grew close to his family. He left two children under five and his parents asked me to deliver the eulogy at his funeral. I'd never delivered a eulogy and was stuck, didn't know what to say. It seemed a compliment and burden at the same time. My wife, a convert Judaism, had an uncle with whom I became close. He was a Presbyterian minister and I called him, knowing he was compassionate and had spoken at many funerals. His advice was simple and profound. He reminded me the eulogy was not about me at all, but about the deceased and his family. I needn't worry about impressing anybody, or failing, as it wasn't about me in the least. Let the deceased speak through you, he said, and deliver his own eulogy. With this wise advice I was no longer stuck, and the words for the eulogy flowed easily on paper as if the deceased young officer had been waiting to allow me to speak to his family and the gathering on his and their behalf.
It's really brutal, isn't it? Walking that thin line between being an empath and making the story about your being an empath? You have managed brilliantly, soaking the pain like a sponge and disappearing into the background in the stories you tell about others. But you do have your own pain and your own story and we are trying best to let you know you are appreciated and not alone.
It is gut wrenching enough for the victims/survivors to share their stories. It is our job to sit there, listen and support them in the way they choose. There is absolutely nothing in the story that allows for anyone else to gain anything but a bit of understanding of what their experience entailed. If the victim/survivor wants us to take any action to pass on their story, then so be it. Otherwise, it is their story to tell, their pain to reveal and to process.
There's hope for journalism as a profession as long as you are one of its role models
Thank you for this article and all that you are doing. I really appreciate and look forward to hearing from you.
As children we are supposed to experience ourselves as the center of our universe and hopefully grow out of that and into a less ego based adulthood.
People seek affirmation and appreciation but to do it at the expense of another’s pain is really horrible. I have experienced this firsthand and the pain and betrayal was intense.
I also think that this has become pervasive in many fields other than writing. I guess Andy Warhol was right about people wanting their 15 minutes of fame but wouldn’t it be nice if it wasn’t at the expense of somebody else who needs to heal.
Your comments about being Jewish and putting stones on graves and donating anonymously are so insightful and really gave me pause to understand this.
Thank you Eve.
Thank you for another amazing, perfectly on point piece Eve. Since October 7 I have seen so many so call influencers struggle to retain followers by making it about them and their response and feelings. It has made unfollowing them an easy decision. I was actually in Kfar Aza in January and a so called influencer was in our group. She was carefully checking all her angles and lighting and re-recording herself as she described what she was seeing. Quite frankly I was disgusted. So many people have lost their humanity- you are a shining example of what it means to retain your humanity and rise above the noise. Your respect for those you speak to shines through in your work. Thank you.
Powerful and on point as always.
Spot on Eve Barlow. Good that you remind people how they should reveal their humanity in the face of tragedy.
There are a lot of stories about Stolen Valor due to the nomination of Tim Walz. Reading this story I think there is something similar; stolen victimhood. Those who make others’ pain a stepping stone to fame and fortune. Those who almost seem in competition with real victims to one up them. It is truly disgusting.
Thank you Eve for this wonderful, on-point article. Once again, you’ve managed to reveal points in a sensitive, articulate & respectful manner. Thank you for everything you do.
We are constantly reminded of “Never Again.” I salute your resolve and determination. It is greatly appreciated and most needed.
Ego can take strange forms. As a writer I want to be the vessel by which other people’s stories are told. I also want to be known as the person who allowed the story to be told, and get anxious when I feel like my reach isn’t what I want it to be. It’s a strange combination of impulses.
Just be the vessel, and the story will speak for itself and so will your talent.