Comedy gold

This is the skit SNL does not have the guts to write. Lo and behold we have an emergency shituation on our hands.

Can we PLEASE get an airdrop at Columbia university? We need 900 Acai Bowls, 1,300 Impossible Burgers on gluten free bread with sugar free vegan ketchup and 3,000 bottles of pH 9.0 electrolyte water. This is urgent @ UNRWA.

Please behold in this must-watch public address, the brightest minds of America’s Ivy League chosen elite:

Major props to the journalist who clarified the goings-on: “It seems like you’re sort of saying - we wanna be revolutionary, now would you please bring us some food and water.” They called it '“humanitarian aid” and they’ve demanded it. They need humanitarian aid! The students at Columbia must be provided with basic amenities for the resistance! The intifada will be catered! I present to you the sharpest thinkers of a generation. UNRWA, please help! WFP, where are you when the First World needs you?! Daddy Sinwar has ghosted these poor little slaves. Why is Daddy Haniyeh in Qatar in a luxury hotel and all they have are these REI tents? We must divert the food aid trucks from Gaza! These kids are starving!

The name of the student in the video is Johannah King-Slutzky. She writes for Vice and Gawker (didn’t Gawker die years ago?!) through a “Marxian lens” and she has deleted her online accounts since this morning’s address, such has been the devastating impact of publicly embarrassing herself in this fashion, I assume.

While cosplaying a nothing revolution, these students have hogged the media entirely for weeks, not in aid of the Palestinians but as the Palestinians. Aren’t there drama or theatre companies at Ivy League schools? Couldn’t they have made a play about the situation in Gaza? Like The Sound Of Music with the Hadids as the modern Von Trapp family who don’t sing but walk runways? I just gave you guys that idea for free in seconds flat. You can think of more. Why? Why did this generation of American kids resort to camping out on American lawns pretending that they were at one with the Arabs they’ve never met? They were chanting Arabic tonight as the NYPD showed up to finally arrest them. They are posting on Instagram in Arabic. How many Jews do they have to block from campus before they get their 72 virgins? Inshallah. (Oh wait one second, they are the virgins. My bad.)

Please! We must set up a safe space for the self-detained encampment students who have self-sieged (I think that’s a brand new word). They are very traumatized after hours waiting for a granola bar. They don’t have any coconut water in there. Couldn’t they have occupied the dining hall? They didn’t really think this one through, hey? These children are trapped in an open air prison in their own minds. They can leave any time. Uber is a push of a button away. It’s as fictional as the open air prison in Gaza, and yet they must keep the idea of it alive. Could it be that Hamas has given these kids Stockholm Syndrome without ever stepping a foot near them? To quote Gwen Stefani: this shit is bananas. But please don’t send bananas. Some of them have allergies, apparently. Do not commit a microaggression upon them by innocently sending foods that could cause Anaphylaxis. These are very, very sensitive humans. Probably best not to send nuts, either. But send aid. They cannot leave to the nearby RiteAid. They are chained to justice!

Meanwhile, as these camps run riot all across America, the Palestinians have never been less visible. Well done for raising awareness, guys! You’re all over the news, and nothing about Gaza, or the impending invasion of Rafah, or the 130+ remaining hostages is. Instead it's all about you. It was always all about you. You ripped the posters of Israeli hostages down because you had victim FOMO and now you've made yourselves hostages in your own campus grounds. What’s next? Are you going to be singing “Rape Me” by Nirvana non-ironically at whoever you select to be the leaders of your little coup? Rape, me! Rape me, my friend!

Why don’t you just leave campus, go to a Trader’s Joe’s and buy a sandwich and some tampons. For crying out loud. If you can’t be bothered leaving, there’s an application on your phone called Uber Eats. You can Postmates from Erewhon direct to your tent if you pin your location accurately enough. Do you not know that there's tap water in the bathroom sink? That’s a serious question. I assume nothing now about Gen Z’s knowledge base. The lack of resourcefulness and survival skills is deeply disappointing. Weren’t these infants raised on The Hunger Games? Did they learn nothing. This is the worst attempt at Lord Of The Flies, ever. They need humanitarian aid, they say! It’s stunning. I doubt that they would last six hours at Glastonbury. URGENT: please airdrop some brains to Ivy League campuses.

I mean, is this really working for Hamas? Has Qatar’s investment come good? Because if I were them I’d be embarrassed. No longer is the narrative that there’s starvation in Gaza working, because the starvation is actually in New York City. Yeah. The game’s up, Sinwar. The young agents of the death cult have gone too far. You can’t even parody this, it’s so beyond. Hamas are sitting in their rat tunnels asking: What is this Russ & Daughters they are asking us to provide? Is it as good as they say? Also, a thought to the parents of these kids. I mean, not as much of a thought as we must continue to give to the parents of the hostages, who have now been in hell for more than 200 days. But… Has anyone checked on the parents of these kids? Have they banished themselves onto a silent retreat in Ojai yet and changed their names and addresses? Nothing can erase the fact that their kids are running around in Amazon bought scarves to become full-time Keffiyeh Karens for a terrorist organization thinking that they’ve got something on Tracy Chapman.

They actually believe that they’re in Gaza. They believe they’re “under siege”:

Let’s travel back to the mindset of these kids on October 7. “Not fair!!!” they cried at the thought of Israelis being taken hostage by their superheroes Hamas. “Why did she get to be a hostage!? That didn't happen to me when I went to Pitchfork Fest in Chicago last summer!!!” They know nothing of Palestine. They wouldn’t be able to determine where most Arab countries are on a map. They probably don’t even know that the sun rises in the east. They would be thrown in jail in their skimpy outfits with their pronouns if they made it to Ramallah. Imagine the Columbia student walking up to Mr Hamas on the first day of their West Bank/Gaza exchange: “Hi Sir, my name’s Eric and I use he/she/it pronouns.” Oh, there’s the roof, Eric…

Amazing, isn’t it? Hamas committed war crimes and hundreds of trucks of food aid have gone into Gaza every day since. Zero hostages come out. Columbia students are committing crimes on campus and now demanding the same aid. I sort of see where they’re coming from. Get them temperpedic mattresses now! Does the food need to be Halal yet? Are they converted to Islam or just threatening to try Ramadan for a few hours in exchange for a selfie with a Kalashnikov? The drama is relentless:

OPEN THE GATES! They think they’re in Hebron. These scenes from last night would not go down in Hebron, let me tell you. Here you see the Columbia students having their own little January 6 style insurrection. A highlight:

If I had the time I would organize for an Israeli food truck to go into the encampment now to provide them their aid but I’m too busy marvelling at how we’re living in an openly demonic antisemitic society. My soul is screaming. But I’m also finding it funny. I don’t know - is this trauma? Do we laugh because otherwise we die? Hahahahahahaha!

Anyway I know the hunger has been bothering you the whole time you’ve been reading this so please be reassured: the students will be fed. They will be fed and watered because the NYPD paid them all a visit tonight and have detained a fair few.

I hope they get to keep their tents for their future unemployed lives. They just wanted confirmation that this is/was “doing a revolution”. The students needed that validation. Please confirm. And send GT’s kombucha. And Aesop hand sanitizer. And CBD gummies. And Chipotle. Otherwise there’s definitely a genocide going on - at the Ivy League schools of the United States.

I would just like to add something at this moment, almost seven months since October 7. I’m so embarrassed for all of you who have Jewish people in your lives and you haven’t bothered your shirt to recognize us at this time. What would it have taken for you to say something on your platforms that you claim you suddenly don’t think are suitable for this? Huh? They’re suitable for posting Taylor Swifts lyrics and endless selfies of your unimportant bullshit. But not this? No? OK. You’re pathetic.

We’re living in a nightmare and people haven’t stood by us. Silence is a choice. I don’t know how any of them face themselves. But you know what? We’re done. I’m done. Johannah King-Slutzky was my red line. Good luck with your future leaders. Not my monkeys, not my circus.