3000 Dicks Gone. Do You Copy? Over.

The funniest thing you will ever read

I really think it was a woman. It had to be a female agent at Mossad. I don’t know if the Mohels who perform circumcisions can ever be female, but this special Agent Mohel must be, because I cannot think of a man who would come up with the idea of remote detonating thousands of rapist terrorist dicks off by intercepting and wiring their pagers with tiny explosives and then activating them by beeping from a treacherous number. For poetic justice, in my imagination, the Mossad agent was a woman. A woman who thought to herself: “How are you gonna enjoy your 72 virgins now, bitch?”

Agent Mohel. Agent Moti Rolla. Agent Samson Sung. The jokes are neverending, and my god in heaven did we need to laugh. Why are we so funny? The Jews have won at least 214 Nobel Prizes. We gave the world Mel Brooks. And now we caused Iranian proxy terrorist dicks to explode all over Lebanon and Syria, simultaneously. The plague of the bursting testacles has been deployed, and boy was the message received. The Jihadists should have known better.

Let it be known right here and now that there was nothing wrong with celebrating Tuesday September 17, 2024; the historic day upon which 3,000 members of an internationally recognized terrorist organization got their nuts blown off in their faces. Yesterday was maybe the best day of my life.

On Tuesday, the Mossad remote detonated pagers that Unit 8200 had intercepted and hacked before the pagers were delivered to thousands of Hezbollah terrorists, so that when a certain number communicated with the pagers they’d explode. Hezbollah ordered the 5,000 beepers made by Taiwan-based Gold Apollo. The devices had been tampered with in production. That’s when the Mossad planted a small amount of explosives inside the pagers via a board in the device with explosive material that would receive a code. The pagers were brought into Lebanon in the spring. 3,000 of the pagers exploded when a coded message was sent to them. From a law of war standpoint, Israel's pager bombs is one of the most precisely targeted strikes in the history of warfare. Hezbollah is an armed force embedded in a civilian population. The operation is remarkable. Without conquering a single inch of Lebanon, we took out thousands of militants.

But that was yesterday. Because then there was today. When we woke up this morning, breaking news alerts reported that more electronic devices were exploding all over Lebanon. You see, Hezbollah didn’t only order pagers. They also ordered radios and walkie-talkies from the same dealer (maybe Bubbe’s Second Hand Electronics, good price, very good deal), and today at the funerals of yesterday’s dead and dickless terrorists, thousands more were killed, injured, and lost their eyes as a result of walkie talkie explosions.

You’d think that the terrorists would have thrown all their electronics out today after yesterday’s boombastics, but turns out our enemies really are that stupid.

Careful with your AirPods and your Nutribullets, guys. Yeah this time around we’re not walking into the ovens, we’re probably going to blow up your kitchen appliances instead. The Jews invented all your electronics and the Israelis manufactured them, so you bet if you’re using them to plot our annihilation, we’ll turn them into killing machines.

The psychological blow for Hezbollah here is enormous. Not only have they been subjected to international embarrassment, they took Nasrallah’s instructions after October 7 to switch their communications to old school devices seriously and had it literally blow up in their faces. Now they can’t trust their leadership, or their source of comms. Bonus, many of them are missing fingers, hands and eyes, so chances are they won’t be able to send on average 40+ rockets a day into Israel any more.

The Jews aren’t just the cleverest people on earth, or the funniest people on earth, we are also total badasses. I felt emotional today. I’ve given up my entire life to fight for our people and in the last two days Israel have made us look like the most ingenious badasses in history. And we have completely shown up our terrorist foes. Terrorists rely on instilling fear in their enemies. We have been afraid, in tears, in mourning, in distress for almost one whole year, without a single moment of relief. Birthdays have felt inappropriate. Celebrations have been cloudy. But yesterday and today, I could not stop laughing. I’m still laughing. It’s too funny. And biblical. I’m sure not only will there be TV shows and movies made about this, but we will also turn it into a festival with food and wine and songs about blowing up pagers. L’shana Ha’Beep Beep.

To everyone who has sent messages saying it’s enough with the jokes, listen clearly. The other night I sat down and realized I hadn’t laughed in a year. From the gut. A real laugh. I felt terrified that I had lost the capacity for joy or fun or laughter. Collectively we have lost more than you could ever imagine. We have been pushed to the outskirts of society. So if we want to spend a day and a half laughing our asses off because a bunch of internationally recognized terrorist rapist assholes lost their dicks and their eyes, then we’re going to laugh. Inshallah. Love us or hate us, you’ve laughed at our jokes for thousands of years and been the benefactors of so much of our intelligence. So kindly please fuck off.

The brilliance of this precision strike also precisely revealed every single shameless terrorist shill in academia, media, and general life. For a year international bodies and human rights lawyers have complained that Israel has not been precise enough in its targeting. Well, this was surgically precise. Terrorists and only terrorists were targeted in a way that minimized civilian casualties like nothing else imaginable. The cope from the terrorist fans was quite unbelievable as they did mental somersaults trying to define Israel’s castration of terrorists as “an act of terrorism”. Including brainless Iranian-funded mole AOC of course. (Let us not forget, since October 7, an average of 47 rocket alerts per day have been issued due to Hezbollah firing at Israel, causing the evacuation of 100,000 Israelis from the North, and AOC has said nothing.)

If you’re a democratically elected politician or a human rights lawyer and you think this is an act of terrorism, I got news for you. You’re doing human rights wrong.

I’m sure Francesca Albanese and her little gang of lady lawyer friends in Geneva had an emergency meeting at the United Nations today to charge Israel with penocide (?) / penisocide (?) at the International Court of Jihad next week.

All the while about 5,000 would-be rapists are crying the hardest having lost the very hardware required to perform their crimes. I tell you what, once we’re done with Hamas and Hezbollah, we really should help out the women of Afghanistan with those Taliban blokes. I’m sure many would like below-the-belt explosions asap. And for all the feminists in the room, I’ve been screaming for years that Zionism and feminism are natural bed-sisters. So if you want us to send a pager to your toxic ex-boyfriend, you better make friends with us again, so we can help you out.

Let’s see what tomorrow brings…