The Cool Jews

Look I’m just setting the stage for what’s to come. This is going to be an ongoing theme through The War so I just thought I’d get a headstart and mention it early. I’ve covered the WWWs (Woke White Women). I’ve covered the BLM Nazis. I’ve covered the general idiots on the internet. But I have yet to cover the Cool Jews. I saw some on my walk around my local park this morning which prompted this post. I won’t name names. (My friends know who they are, you can pressurize them to tell you). I almost put a camera in on one comedian’s face to ask her if she would condemn Hamas. And then I thought about how depressing it would be if she didn’t. So I just kept running.

I’m not a Cool Jew. I’m a bad Jew. And that’s the part they don’t understand. And when I say ‘they’, I mean my online haters, who are variously made up of radical leftists, Men’s Rights Activists, hardcore celebrity stans who have parasocial relationships with famous people, and Pepe The Frog accounts (see image below). Today they were so mad at me, attacking every tweet I’ve constructed for two weeks that they managed to get my hate name (Eve Fartlow) trending again in America. I’m sure their efforts will Free Palestine. (Sidenote: “Eve Fartlow” tells you everything you need to know about the collective IQ of the people trying to argue that they know how to bring about a peaceful salve to the Gaza/Israel chaos right now. More so than Biden, Blinken and every other American representative who is currently developing plans for refugee zones in Gaza, with Israel’s help).

Here’s the part the haters still don’t understand: I don’t care if you like me. There’s no greater weapon in this world than a refusal to fit in. I have been a refusenik for a long time. I am one for life. I march to the beat of my own very loud and inconveniently correct drum. (Note: NOT politically correct). I’ve done the being popular thing, and it sucks. It’s like being an adult trapped in a high school canteen, wondering when your big secret (that you’re not actually cool) is going to be exposed.

Anyway, I remember being a cool Jew. I tried it on a few times. In university, I hung out with white liberal students who wore keffiyehs, and the second I saw the keffiyehs draped around the necks of WASPs from Essex, I fully suspected that I was perhaps fraternizing with the Hitler Youth. And indeed when they began to take an interest in my Jewishness, it became a point of mockery. My “friends” would make comments about my moneybags (I wish I had moneybags), and one even invented a chant every time we went out for a hangover breakfast: B! A! C! O! N! she’d shout, on repeat, in my face, taunting me to eat treif, because I refused. And I laughed. I let them do it for years. I was a cool Jew. That’s how cool Jews have to be.

Later in my late twenties, I became a cool Jew again. I had these goth friends who made music and had Nazi-style haircuts, half skinheads, lots of tattoos, militant ideas. They also fetishized my Jewishness. Asked questions. Pretended they wanted Bar Mitzvahs. Listened to Jewish podcasts. They even sometimes sent Torah portions (honestly red flag). They wondered if they could be honorary Jews. “WE LOVE JEWS, OMG OBSESSED.” But actually, when I started to grow my tail and my horns and I was speaking publicly about being a (GASP) Zionist, they suddenly found me oppressive. I was hurting their identities. I was unsafe. I was threatening. I was fraudulent. I was… a Jew!

See that’s not what they want. They don’t want a Jew. They want a token Jewish. Antisemites need to demonize Zionists because antisemites don't want Jewish people to have equal rights and security. They want us to fit into their mold and rescind any of our agency or self-determination in our country, so they can control and abuse us (while eating our bagels). It's giving Crusaders, essentially.

There’s a long history of cool Jews. It goes as far back as antisemitism does. Because as long as the world has hated Jewish people, there have been Jewish people who have hated us more and tried to throw the rest of us under the bus to advance themselves as somehow evolved Jews (ie, no horns, shorter tails). One of the most fascinating ancient stories is that of the Jews at the time of the Hellenistic Empire who reversed their own circumsicions so that they could play sports with the goyim. (Because in ancient times, men played sports naked). Sounds like a very painful process but one that they were willing to undertake to, I don’t know, throw a ball around with their newly assimilated schlongs dangling. And although they weren’t being murdered by the non-Jews, these Hellenised Jews under the coercion of the non-Jews killed off parts of their own culture in order to join another one. It’s a different threat to a straight-up genocide, and it’s not the non-Jews doing the killing, but the convincing of the Jews to slowly kill off parts of our own identity. (This, by the way, chimes with a my death threats over the past few years; wimpish invitations for me to kill myself, or today I got a request for me to set myself on fire. Sure, just let me try some shrimp first).

Fast-forward several thousands of years, and you arrive at early 20th century Soviet society in which the Soviets decided that Jews were fine so long as they didn’t have any aspirations for a national identity, ie as long as they weren’t Zionists! The communist party has a special section - the Yevsektsiya (no, I can’t pronounce that) – that paid antizionist Jews to kill the Zionist Jews, and they persecuted their own tribe for acceptance. Anyway, this gruesome tale has nothing to do with the landscape of Twitter or Instagram today. I mean, I personally cannot possibly imagine a scenario where antizionist Jews would, say, troll, harass, demean, show up and betray Zionist Jews because they know that they’d be rewarded with more followers and continued access to their industries. That seems far beyond the realms of possibili…

Here’s Ilana Glazer, a regularly doled out antizionist Jew:

Does she use the “air quotes” here because she knows she’s lying. I mean… there’s nothing new about the “reality”. This was the plan all along for Hamas. Kill every Jew in sight. The “force” she writes about is the pressure following the massacre of 1300 Jews for Israel to ensure that Hamas & Co don’t come good on their decades-long promise to “gLobAliZe tHe iNtAfaDa”. As for the open-air prison bullshit. If anyone has turned Gaza into a prison it’s the leadership of the Palestinians. We left 18 years ago.

Why are the cool Jews like this? Sure there’s an element of imbibing the antisemitism and internalizing the oppression of the non-Jewish world. But more than that, I think, is that these cool Jews have fooled themselves into believing that this treason on their people will somehow afford them a different ending from us.

Ilana Glazer perhaps thinks that a Hamas terrorist is going to stop mid-killing spree and go, “Oh shit! I saw you on Comedy Central once. You’re hilarious!!!” Down there in Hamas’s little tunnels of hell, as they wait for the ground offensive from the IDF, hiding between rockets they’ve made out of Gaza’s water pipelines, they’re not watching Broad City to pass the time. “Oh spare this demon Jew - she may have horns too but we loved season two!”

Then there’s Matt Bernstein. Oy. This kid. I feel like Matt Bernstein has had many previous prototypes. Remember that gay kid Adam Eli? Matt Bernstein is Adam’s successor. I don’t know if they’re playing actively dumb gay, or if their IQ levels are just excessively diminished. But check his response to Amy Schumer’s meaningful post here (Amy’s a Zionist, how dare she):

He’s right — there’s so much going on there. These next posts, however, are special, to say the least:

H

Guys, Matt is really frustrated with us Jews trying to prove that if we all had to live in a Gaza-style society here in the West - Jewish or not – we might not have the same freedoms as we currently have, therefore we all need to fight for our lives. You know who is more frustrated than Matt though? Ahma Abu Marhia.

Like I said, things are just heating up in the anti-Jewish Jews’ kitchen. The problem with non-Jewish people in the progressive world is that they’re so dishonest and unwilling to accept that their utopian views are broken that they will always hide behind one of these Jewish people to kosher their ignorant, untrue and antisemitic positions. But not because they love, respect and honor that Jewish person. No, no. Because they can use the idiot Jews to advance their own agendas.

I’ll leave you with the opposite of a problem Jew. This man in London today. I love him. Endlessly.